Procrastinator's Toolbox

Signs of Age

Last night there was a Pink Floyd concert on one of the public broadcasting channels.  Do you know what I imbibed to enjoy the show?

A glass of milk.  God damn, I'm getting old. 

- by trigenarian Ted who is having back issues with the Wii.

At Least Let Your Balls Have Some Fun

Advice for men: When it's all steamy out like now, freshen your nads up with Gold Bond Medicated Powder.  Gives you a nice cool tingling feeling and it keeps the sack like Switzerland: doesn't pick a side.

- by cool crotched Ted Kim who shops for all his manberry goods at Blue Brass, which are both kinds of balls.

No Comment

Except maybe "Ow."

- by bachelor Ted Kim who is wearing a cup from now on.

Athletic Supporter

Nude cyclists rode through England to promote cycling as an environmentally safe mode of transportation.  I support cycling, I support environmental awareness, I even support the English.  But I do not support unsafe sports.

Did the men at least tape things up to avoid unpleasant pinching that can come from straddling a seat incorrectly contoured for the crotch?  And FYI, I'm never gonna buy a used bike ever.

- by nad safety promoter Ted Kim.  You should also watch out for the cornhole.

THIS SITE IS BANNED!!!

SaltMag.net is banned in China.  Does that give this site credibility or does it just mean the Chinese have good taste?

Check out what else is banned through Great Wall of China.

- by Ted Kim who loves the shrimp with garlic sauce at Great Wall in Astoria.  Thanks to Wayne Priestly from MU-Space for showing me the wall.

Things Are Looking Up.

'Nuff said.

Just a Misunderstanding

I remember I once picked up a Daily News, saw a huge headline with the word "Bombers", and I got mad.  Why the hell do the shitty Yankees get huge headlines while the awesome Mets are ignored?!?  Turned out the headline was about Iraq and people dying.  Whoopsie daisies!

Today I raced through a headline that said "Mexicans Smash Nude Art Record".  So in my head, I'm thinking "Now Mexico's messing with art and freedom of expression!  What the hell's going on with our hemisphere?!?"  Whoopsie daisies.  Apparently, 18,000 people got nude for an art photo. 

- by easily outraged Ted Kim who gets EXTREMELY PISSED WHENEVER THOSE IDIOTS FROM MCDONALDS FORGET MY FRIGGIN FRENCH FRI...  Oh, here they are.

Resting in Peace

Freedom of speech is still dead in this country.  A woman in Rapid City, South Dakota got vanity plates that say "MPEACHW" and since someone was offended by it (God forbid!), the woman was told to give them back.  This awesome lady told them to suck it and that they were stifling her free speech.

Here's South Dakota's response: "They have every right to use that free speech, but they need to do it with a bumper sticker."  Genius.  God bless America.

Followup: Man denied JOHN316 vanity plates.

- by ACLU supporter Ted Kim who now is racing to get vanity plates that say "IMGOD".

Stupid Fat Hobbit! It Ruins It!

I've realized recently that I've been spending the past decade denying who I am.  I am not someone destined to end up in some fancy job doing interesting work.  I am doomed to be the best damn middle management schlub with a windowless office, receding hairline and mild drinking problem in America.  And it's time I accepted it.

Before I made this decision not to fight my fate, I tested myself with this: Which fantasy/sci-fi character are you?

I'm Gollum.  Go figure.

- by hobbit hunter Ted Kim who has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over.

The Unhappiest Place On Earth

I had to go to the hospital yesterday and it is the worst place in the world.  At one point, I was at the desk giving my insurance information and I saw that the receptionists were listening to the Mets day game.  I asked for the score and the guy responded: Are you a Mets fan?  When I replied in the affirmative, he frowned and told me that he would not tell me the score because  it would not be good for my health.  He concluded: "Rockies - a lot, Mets - a few."

I still think health care sucks in this country but it's nice to know that even the insurance receptionist is a true health care professional looking out for the patients' best interests.

- by hobbled Ted Kim who insists you call me Hopalong.